How to Create Effectively Kind Boundaries
We usually frame boundaries as rigid rules—what we will and won’t tolerate from others. While this may provide clarity, rule-based boundaries often focus on control rather than connection. Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), offers a different perspective: boundaries are not about enforcing rules but protecting and honoring our fundamental human needs.
What Are Needs-Based Boundaries?
Needs-based boundaries emerge from a deep understanding of what we require to thrive—physically, emotionally, and relationally. Instead of saying, “I won’t answer emails after 6 PM,” as a hard rule, a needs-based approach would recognize the deeper reason behind that limit, such as a need for rest, balance, or presence with family.
This shift transforms boundaries from ultimatums into self-awareness and self-care. Needs-based boundaries communicate:
- What we value (e.g., “I need quiet time in the morning to feel grounded.”)
- Why it matters (e.g., “When I don’t have quiet time, I feel overwhelmed and disconnected from myself.”)
- How can we protect that need while staying in connection with others (e.g., “I’ll be turning off notifications until 9 AM so I can start my day with focus and ease.”)
Rather than focusing on what others must or must not do, needs-based boundaries help us take responsibility for what we need and communicate that in a way that invites understanding.
How Do We Discern Our Needs-Based Boundaries?
- Identify Your Core Needs
Our emotions act as signals. When we feel resentful, overwhelmed, or frustrated, it’s often because a fundamental need is unmet. Ask yourself:- Resentment asks: What do I need to feel respected and valued in this situation?
- Overwhelm asks: How can I prioritize my needs right now?
- Frustration asks: Where am I off-track to meet a goal?
- Notice When You Override Your Own Needs
Many people ignore their own boundaries in an effort to please others or avoid conflict. If you frequently say yes when you mean no, or if you feel drained by certain interactions, your needs may be going unmet. Pay attention to where you feel resistance, stress, or obligation. - Frame Boundaries in Terms of Needs, Not Rules
Instead of dictating what others must do, express your boundaries in a way that clarifies your need(s) and offers a path forward. For example:- Rule-based: “Don’t interrupt me when I’m working.”
- Needs-based: “I need uninterrupted time to focus on my work. If you have something urgent, will you message me instead of stopping by?”
- Rule-based: “I refuse to be around negative people.”
- Needs-based: “I need conversations that feel constructive. If we’re discussing something tough, can we focus on possible solutions?”
Examples in Leadership and Work
- Meetings and Time Management: A leader might recognize their need for meeting efficiency and clarity. Instead of banning long discussions, they could say, “I want our meetings to stay focused so we can all use our time well. Let’s agree on a clear agenda beforehand.”
- Emotional Labor: A principal supporting their staff might acknowledge, “I need time to recharge to show up fully prepared. For non-urgent matters, I’ll be available until 4:00 PM today, and then I’ll be offline until tomorrow.”
- Respect in Conversations: Instead of demanding, “Don’t speak to me that way,” a needs-based approach might sound like, “I value mutual respect in our conversations. Can we take a break and revisit this when we’re both calm?”
The Power of Needs-Based Boundaries
Needs-based boundaries shift us from conflict to connection. They help us advocate for ourselves without shutting others out. When we understand and articulate our needs clearly and without emotional charge, we foster relationships where both parties can thrive. Boundaries are not about control—they are about care.
The Link Between Needs and Emotions: Why Do We Feel What We Feel?
Many people think emotions just happen or are caused by other people’s actions. But emotions aren’t accidental. They arise because of unmet or fulfilled needs—not external events.
- Example: Two people receive critical feedback. One feels grateful (they value growth), while the other feels ashamed (they need acceptance and reassurance). It’s the need that shapes the emotional response—not the feedback itself.
A helpful way to frame this is:
“Emotions don’t tell us what’s happening. They tell us what it means to us.”
How Emotions Shape Thought Patterns
Once we feel an emotion, our brain tries to meet our needs and thought patterns come in. If we don’t recognize the need behind our emotion(s), we might form stories and interpretations that aren’t helpful (or accurate)
- Example:
- If I feel anxious before speaking in a meeting, I might think, “I’m terrible at public speaking,” when my need is safety and confidence.
- If I feel hurt by a coworker’s blunt feedback, I might think, “They don’t respect me,” when my need is appreciation or connection.
When we’re unaware of this process, we might believe thoughts that reinforce maladaptive behaviors, like avoiding meetings, shutting down, or lashing out. Rosenberg called these strategies “tragic” because they are misguided attempts to meet our fundamental needs but often lead to harm to ourselves or others. Not only do these bids not work, they tragically fail to meet those needs sustainably or meaningfully.
Breaking It Down:
- Every action is an attempt to meet a need
- Humans have core needs like connection, safety, autonomy, understanding, and respect.
- When these needs are unmet, we seek strategies—consciously or unconsciously—to fulfill them.
- Some strategies cause harm or backfire
- Instead of addressing the need directly, people might use violence, manipulation, passive aggression, or avoidance.
- Example: A leader who feels unappreciated might lash out at their team instead of expressing their need for recognition.
- These strategies may bring short-term relief but ultimately create disconnection, conflict, or suffering.
How to Transform Tragic Strategies
Rosenberg taught that when we recognize the need behind a behavior, we can shift toward conscious, compassionate, and effective strategies:
- Identify the need behind the behavior.
- Express the need without blame or judgment.
- Find strategies that meet the need(s) without harming ourselves or others.
By shifting from “tragic strategies” to life-serving strategies, we meet our needs and foster connection, trust, and well-being in ourselves and others.
Want to get better at this? Inner Sage Leadership Group can help.
Schedule a complimentary session. Book now.
Ask for our Empathy Guide: A Leadership Framework for Meeting Emotional Reactivity.
