Decoding Anger Using Emotional Response-Ability®
Anger doesn’t just appear out of nowhere—it’s your brain’s way of waving a big red flag that says, Something’s not right here. When it shows up, the instinct is often to push back, assert a right, or make a demand. But before reacting, pause–not to suppress the anger but to understand it. What’s driving this feeling? What need is being ignored, dismissed, or violated?
Charles M. Jones, creator of the Emotional Response-Ability Framework® at the Institute of Adaptive Mastery, calls this process “decoding” negative emotions. His work helps us shift from reacting to emotions to understanding what they’re trying to tell us. Behind every angry response is a need waiting to be met.
Emotional Response-Ability® Framework: Decoding Anger (Jones, 2024)
Negative Emotion: you feel angry
Subconscious Need: to assert your rights Empowered
When Need is Met (Positive Emotion): you feel empowered
Ask yourself or work with a coach:
– As a ____________, do I have a right to assert in this context?
– Does (the other person/group) see this as a right I actually have, or am I assuming they do?
– Would you benefit from gaining clarity or allowing time before speaking up?
Rights Don’t Exist in a Vacuum
Rights are not just personal beliefs—they exist within relationships, power structures, and social agreements. Instead of leading with “I have the right to this!”, take a step back and ask:
—Is this a legal right, an ethical expectation, or a personal boundary?
—How can I advocate for my concern?
For example, you’re attending a curriculum planning meeting with district leaders discussing restructuring schedules to maximize instructional time due to new state mandates. The conversation is dominated by logistical concerns—bell schedules, staffing adjustments, and compliance requirements. You feel a flush of anger because no one has mentioned how these changes might affect teacher workload and morale—an issue you know is already a growing concern in your school.
You have valuable insight but are unsure how experienced leaders will receive your point. Instead of staying silent, take a strategic approach by asking: “This sounds like an important shift for instructional time. How do the schedule changes impact teacher workload?”
By using warm curiosity, you demonstrate that you’re committed to the conversation and encouraging others to consider something they may have overlooked. Inquiry invites collaboration.
Key Takeaway:
Blame shuts things down. Curiosity opens things up. The more clarity you have on what you need and why it matters, the more likely you are to be heard—and to create meaningful change. The goal isn’t to win the moment; it’s to engage in a conversation that leads to progress.
How to Speak Up Without Escalating Conflict
Emotions are contagious—when you speak with emotional charge or blame, the other person will likely match that intensity. If you stay steady and intentional, you set the tone for a productive conversation.
Five strategies for speaking up while fostering collaboration and mutual respect:
1. Encourage Dialogue Through Inquiry
Instead of making assumptions, ask:
“What’s most important to you in this decision?”
“How can we build a schedule that reduces teachers’ workloads?”
Purpose: to keep the conversation open, inviting perspective while reinforcing your presence in the discussion.
2. Pause to Regroup When Needed
If emotions run high or clarity gets murky, take a step back:
“I want to communicate my concerns productively. Can we take a short break and come back in 15 minutes?”
“I need time to gather my thoughts—is our decision due today?”
Purpose: it allows you to reset and return confidently instead of reacting in the moment.
3. Assert Your Needs Without Blame or Shame
Instead of saying, “You’re not considering the impact on teachers’ workload,” try:
“We need to consider how schedule changes impact teachers’ workload.”
Purpose: to clarify that you’re advocating for yourself, not attacking others.
4. Paraphrase and Acknowledge
Reflect on what you’ve heard before making your point: “It sounds like your main concern is staying on schedule. I also think we need to consider teachers’ workloads.”
Purpose: to build trust by showing you’re listening, which may help others more likely hear your perspective.
5. Define What You Need
Instead of leaving things vague, be specific about what will help you move forward:
“I want to ensure my input is considered before the group decides. Can we discuss my concerns?”
Purpose: to ease the way for collaboration and mutual respect.
Feel the difference? You’re not stuffing the anger down or letting it run (or ruin) the show. Instead, you’re using it as fuel for a productive conversation. The goal isn’t to “win” but to create real solutions.
The Work: Leading with Integrity and Courage
Addressing injustice isn’t a side conversation—it’s core leadership work. Setting boundaries in tough conversations establishes you as a leader who values integrity, fairness, and change. Effective leaders don’t avoid conflict—they engage it with clarity, confidence, and courage.
Want to Get Even Better at This?
Understanding emotions is one thing. Applying this in real conversations? That’s where real change happens.
If you want to:
–Learn how to express emotions in a way that gets your needs met
–Break the cycle of emotional reactivity
–Develop emotional intelligence (EQ) that transforms relationships
Schedule a complimentary session. Book now.
